Kian Read online

  Four years. It had been four years since she’d sat across from him, looked at his beautiful face, felt his nearly magical touch. It felt as if it had been an eternity.

  That panic Roxie had been feeling all night rose inside her like a volcano about to erupt, and she tried desperately to focus on the breathing techniques she’d read about. They weren’t helping her at the moment. She wasn’t sure anything could. Kian wasn’t supposed to be here.

  Kian had shattered her, had broken her into mere fragments of the person she’d once been. It didn’t matter that he hadn’t intended to do it; it only mattered that she’d felt so broken, she’d had to run to save herself. He had also been in the category of those she hadn’t said goodbye to. One night they’d been making love; the next night she’d been gone with very little explanation.

  She wanted to hate him for her own loss of identity, but she didn’t. It wasn’t his fault; it was hers. All her problems were her own. She’d hoped to never face this man again, because she feared herself when she was around him. But fate had a funny way of putting in front of you what you tried your hardest to avoid. Maybe fate got bored, or maybe it just liked to torture people. She couldn’t even begin to think she had any answers about life, especially when it came to dealing with her own.

  The worst part was that Roxie knew if she’d had the strength to understand herself better, she wouldn’t have spiraled so far out of control. Kian had been a good man to her, loving and attentive, sweet and in love. They’d been young and he’d been out of her league, but he’d never treated her as if she were in any way less than he was. All of it had been in her own mind. And she had hated herself for that.

  With him now sitting before her, Roxie felt all those uncertain emotions creeping back in, making her truly feel like a lesser person, making her feel shame and regret. Seeing him caused an ache unlike anything else she’d ever felt.

  The instinct to run crept into her feet and made her fidget as she sat before him, not knowing what in the world she could possibly say. She wasn’t owed his forgiveness. She hadn’t earned it. And she didn’t think it was possible for her to receive it. This was a mess unlike any of the other messes she’d ever been in, whether self-inflicted or beyond her control.

  Seconds passed without sound beyond that of their breathing. He seemed to be recovering a lot faster at the sight of her than she was at seeing him. Kian had always been like that, though. He could control his emotions and expressions, where she couldn’t. It was only one more thing for her to be angry with him about. Another irrational emotion she was feeling.

  In four years, Kian had changed. Thirty-five looked good on him. His shoulders had always been broad, but now they seemed massive beneath the light-blue scrubs he was wearing that hinted at the beautiful muscle beneath. His jaw was square, shaved clean, and his dark eyes were now blank, not showing an ounce of the emotion that had flashed in them just seconds before. She could see where laugh lines wanted to emerge, but they certainly weren’t showing at the moment.

  The biggest change she noticed about him was that gaze. Kian had always been the first person to offer a smile and reassuring words. Now, this man before her was gazing at her with icy coolness that made her want to shiver.

  When she’d rushed home tonight, she hadn’t been worrying about running into Kian. And now that she was here, she couldn’t afford to spiral into a pit of despair, not when she had Lily to take care of.

  Kian slowly stood up and towered over her own respectable height of five foot five, and she suddenly felt smaller and more insignificant. If she’d ever allowed herself to think about her emotions regarding this man, then maybe she wouldn’t be feeling the insane grief she was experiencing, sitting before him now. If she’d faced her feelings instead of running away from them, then maybe she’d be able to give him a polite hello and ask him to move on, and not have to worry about endless torment. She had enough to last her a lifetime as it was.

  If was a word Roxie had always hated. Life wasn’t about ifs. It was about living without regret, though she failed in that so much because she did have regrets. But she’d tried to stop adding any more to her already-long list. Every decision a person made helped shape them into who they were truly meant to be. A person filled with regrets was a person who hadn’t truly lived. But Roxie was failing miserably at the moment to practice what she so often preached.

  “Hello, Roxie,” Kian finally said, his rich baritone deep and sure. There was the slightest edge of gravel to his voice that had always melted her, and it seemed time hadn’t changed that at all.

  Her stomach quivered as her knees shook. She was grateful to be sitting, as she didn’t think her wobbly legs would be able to hold her up right now. She was also grateful Lily was sleeping. This man had power in ways she was sure he didn’t understand. Or maybe he did. How was she to know who he was anymore? He’d once been full of life and light that naturally drew people to him. Right now, he didn’t seem to be full of anything except disgust. And he had a right to feel that way.

  “Kian,” she said, her voice coming out raspy and unsure. She was almost saying his name as a question. She wasn’t sure what to say, think, or do. And she certainly didn’t know what the question would be if she were to ask one.

  Her niece stirred in the bed, and that caught Roxie’s full attention as she looked down and saw Lily open her eyes. It had been a while since she’d Skyped with her niece. Those moments had mattered a lot to Roxie, but guilt consumed her that even with that, she still hadn’t come back home to help raise the fragile child.

  “Auntie,” Lily said in a too-small voice as she tried to wipe the fog from her eyes.

  “I’m right here, baby girl,” Roxie assured Lily.

  Her niece smiled a tiny bit before squeezing Roxie’s fingers and closing her eyes again. This moment was one Roxie would forever hold in her heart. She could handle Kian because she had to be strong for Lily. There wasn’t another option.

  Roxie hadn’t forgotten why she was at this hospital, but for a moment, she’d only been able to see Kian. It was sort of like when he was there, the rest of the world slowly faded. He seemed to have his own universe surrounding just him, and anyone in his presence surely would be sucked into it. Roxie flexed her fingers against Lily’s as she tried to stay firmly planted on the ground.

  Kian released Roxie’s gaze as he looked down at Lily, his expression filled with something she couldn’t quite interpret, but something that had a tight knot pinching her stomach. He flashed his gaze back up to hers, and some of the harshness of his expression was gone.

  While his anger might have dimmed, resignation took its place as he looked from her to Lily and back again several times. She didn’t understand this at all. Did he know Lily more than as a patient?

  Roxie opened her mouth to say something to break up this tension, but she couldn’t seem to form words. Nothing would come out. This was just one more thing to show her she was in no way prepared to be this traumatized little girl’s mother. Here Roxie was being faced with the man she’d always been in love with, and Lily was lying so helpless in the bed between them.

  Rubbing her thumb against the back of Lily’s hand was enough to calm Roxie and allow her to draw in a couple of breaths before she looked at Kian once more. Though Roxie’s body was still shaking a bit, she was strong enough to comfort her niece while she faced her past. If she ever planned on moving forward with life and the choices she had made, then she had to be able to handle adverse situations. That was all just part of being an adult.

  “We have to talk about Lily,” he said. She didn’t understand how he knew her niece. It had to be nothing more than him being her niece’s doctor. Maybe he’d grown attached after this tragic attack.

  “How do you know Lily?” she asked.

  Kian was quiet for several moments, and Roxie’s heart raced so out of control, she didn’t know what to do or say or think. She was close to falling apart, and if Lily didn’t need her to be strong, she f
eared that’s exactly what would happen.

  Finally, he sighed. All the noise around them seemed to freeze. “I was in the ER with her tonight,” he told her. There was more; she could feel it.

  “And?” she questioned. She was rubbing her niece’s back, trying not to throw up.

  “I didn’t know . . .” His voice trailed off.

  Roxie’s stomach heaved as she put together what she didn’t want to. She’d only been gone from town a couple of months when Pamela had gotten pregnant with Lily. This couldn’t be real. As he sat back down and reached for Lily’s free hand, she somehow didn’t need words to tell her what he needed to say.

  Roxie felt as if she was going to faint. She knew she had to be stronger than this, especially right now. But in this moment, she wasn’t sure there was much more she could take. This night had gone from tragic to unbelievable. Her world truly was spinning now. She wasn’t sure she’d ever be able to stop it.

  Chapter Three

  Although Kian had never actually been hit in the face with a sledgehammer, that was the only equivalent he could think of to describe how he felt at this particular moment. It felt as if someone had come along and slammed a thick wedge of iron in his face, and now he was still reeling from it.

  His chest hurt, his body ached, and his face was tingling. He felt a mixture of sadness, regret, and disbelief, but mostly red-hot rage. This woman, this person before him, had been the only girl he’d ever given his heart to. And she had taken that gift, smashed it on the ground, and thrown it back in his face.

  His fingers twitched as he remembered the feel of the diamond he’d carried around in his pocket for months as he tried to come up with the perfect proposal. He’d known without the shadow of a doubt he’d make her his wife.

  And then she’d disappeared.

  At first, Kian had panicked. Something surely had happened to her. She wouldn’t have left on her own. They were happy, in love, had the rest of their lives before them.

  But, too quickly, he’d discovered the truth. After years of friendship and two years of dating, she’d left a note that simply read: I can’t do this anymore. Please let me go. Roxie.

  That was it. There had been no other explanation, no words to tell him what had gone wrong. Kian’s first reaction to that note had been to hunt her down and force an explanation out of her. But then he’d found his pride, and he was furious.

  “After our breakup, I made some bad decisions,” he admitted. He didn’t know why he was bothering to tell her this. “I drank a lot, partied even more, and yeah, I didn’t care which women I was with. I just wanted to forget you.”

  He refused to allow himself to feel bad when she flinched. She’d been the one to leave him, not the other way around. If that wasn’t something she wanted to hear, then too bad.

  “I don’t need to know any of this,” Roxie said in an emotionally charged tone.

  “I wasn’t going to ever trust anyone again after what you’d done to me.” He’d been smart to feel that way. And now he wasn’t sure how he was feeling.

  There were so many emotions filling Kian, he didn’t know which to focus on. There was a sense of urgency to grab his child, to make sure Roxie knew Lily was his and that he wouldn’t lose another moment in her life. But there was a need to protect Roxie as well.

  She’d left him, and it had nearly destroyed him. Kian in no way thought of himself as a weak man. He was strong and capable, and this small woman had done her best to drop him to his knees. And yet he still couldn’t turn away even now, not when she was in pain.

  “Maybe you need to realize what your exit did to the people around you,” he pointed out. “And maybe it’s just that I never really knew you at all, because the girl I’d been in love with wouldn’t have been capable of leaving like you did, wouldn’t be capable of such a coldhearted act.”

  Finally, Roxie looked up at him, and there was now fire in her eyes. Kian felt an urge to take a step back, but there was no way he was going to retreat. She’d pushed him back enough in the past four years. If anyone was going to retreat, it would be her, he thought.

  Though he had tried to push her from his mind, he hadn’t been very successful. Every woman he’d dated, every night he’d laid his head down to sleep, every time he’d listened to classic country and “I Love the Way You Love Me” by John Michael Montgomery came on the radio, he was reminded of Roxie. She’d consumed him for years, and she’d continued doing so even after she was gone.

  He hated her a little for that. He hated himself even more. Before Roxie, he’d always thought men who couldn’t get over a relationship were a little pathetic. Sometimes things just weren’t meant to be. Endings shouldn’t be what defined a person.

  “You were with Pamela,” Roxie said, her voice filled with accusation. There was so much hurt and rage in her tone, he didn’t know how to respond. He didn’t owe Roxie a damn thing, but he found himself wanting to explain the situation to her. He shifted as he fought the urge—and lost.

  “I was with her one time. I went to a bar with friends. She was there, and she made it clear she wanted to go home with me. I was drunk and she was available,” he said as he shrugged, trying to act as if it didn’t matter.

  “I would have thought you’d at least use protection,” she said.

  “I always use protection. Obviously, it fails sometimes,” he snapped. “This isn’t a discussion we should be having in front of Lily,” he added.

  “She’s only three, and even if she was awake, she wouldn’t understand what we’re talking about,” she pointed out.

  “You have no right to be mad. You left me,” he reminded her.

  “I’m not mad at you,” she snapped. He watched as she closed her eyes and took a few calming breaths. He knew that was exactly what he should be doing as well. Snapping at each other wasn’t solving any of their problems.

  “Fate can be cruel,” he said with a humorless laugh. “It looks like the two of us are now locked together for the rest of our lives.”

  There were equal parts of joy and apprehension at the thought of raising Lily with Roxie, which appeared to be what Pamela wanted for their child. At one point in his life, that was the ultimate dream, to raise children with Roxie. But then she’d left. And Kian hadn’t truly had time for all this to sink in, and it would probably be far safer for the two of them if they both calmed down before saying some things that couldn’t be taken back. He certainly didn’t want Lily to see him as a monster.

  What had she already been through? What kind of life had she led? He could’ve given her the world, and would have, if her mother would’ve only told him he was a father.

  “We aren’t doing anything together, Kian,” Roxie was quick to point out, which made him angry all over again.

  “You’re not paying attention, Roxie,” he said, not in the mood to stroke her ego. There was something deep down that made him still want to protect her, but he pushed that aside. “Maybe all your family knows is how to play games, how to deceive men. Maybe your sister loved holding one over on one of the Forbeses. I know there are many who are jealous of my family, thinking we hold too much power. But you used to know me better than any other person on this planet. You knew I never wanted to take advantage of my family name, that I wanted to make it on my own.”

  She sighed, and he saw that knowledge in her gaze. At least she wasn’t going to sit there and lie to him or put him down. He wondered if that would hurt him.

  “You always did work so much harder to prove yourself so people wouldn’t say you were spoiled,” she admitted.

  Kian hadn’t wanted to say he’d been given a silver spoon because of the way he’d been born. He’d studied hard, and now he was a doctor in extreme demand. He was often called to other places where only he could help. There was a lot of pride in knowing he was worthy of his family name.

  It was almost odd to him that he’d been coasting through life without a lot of care in the world until he’d met Roxie. And then he’d
been in love, willing to drop to his knees for her. Then she’d left, and he’d become a different man—harder. And now he was a father. This woman was responsible for all the major shifts in his life.

  He was about to speak when she slapped him again with her words. “You didn’t have to sleep with my sister for revenge, though.”

  “It wasn’t revenge. I was doing what I had to do,” he said with a shrug. “And that’s all on my shoulders. But I wouldn’t have been on the prowl for anyone else had you been at my side, where I thought you’d always be.”

  Roxie’s eyes filled with tears before she looked down. He glanced at his daughter again, letting the knowledge of his fatherhood truly seep in.

  “I missed her first word, first steps. I missed too much,” Kian said.

  Roxie looked afraid as she clung tighter to Lily’s hand. His eyes narrowed. If she truly thought she’d keep him away from this child, she was sorely mistaken. Kian knew nothing about Roxie anymore. He didn’t know if she had a husband, a boyfriend, a life outside of Lily. The thought of another man in her life sent a whole new burst of fire racing through him.

  He had no claim on Roxie. But he certainly had a hell of a claim on Lily. He was sure Roxie had no other immediate family left. No one else would be trying to make a claim on his child. He also knew, with his power and influence, he could take his child from Roxie within days. She was his, after all. As soon as the blood tests came in, the courts would hand her over, no matter how much Roxie might try to fight it and no matter what it was that Pamela wanted. He didn’t owe Pamela anything, either. She’d deceived him for more than four years. She would have known within two months she was pregnant, and not once had she come to him to do the right thing. Why he should consider her feelings now, he didn’t know.

  But Kian didn’t want to go that route. He didn’t understand why he would hesitate to do what had to be done, but he wanted to give Roxie more respect than that—certainly more respect than she’d given him.